Thursday, February 24, 2011


So, I'm living with this ghost. Well, I am haunted by a lot of ghosts, but this one is different. Somehow, I'm not sure how.

I figured out what was making me sick. It's a long fucking story and I don't feel like going through it. Basically I figured that I have really bad reactions to milk and soy. I stopped eating it. You'd think that feeling physically better would somehow equate to feeling better mentally. Apparently that's bullshit.

I am stuck amidst piles of clothing, books, general junk and I can't remember acquiring most of it. I'm trying to write papers and I can't remember how to format my papers, let alone any of the articles I've read or most of the classes I attended. I feel like I'm cleaning out a dead person's house, except it's all my stuff. I don't know who I've been for the past year... probably longer. An existence of barely getting by is apparently pretty stunned.

In some ways now I see all these small things around me and am amazed. There are some things that seem almost magical. But they are also wholeheartedly overwhelming and painful at the same time.

I remember standing in front of the remains of this magnificent dead tree and focusing on it I thought for a while, "There's an entire live forest sitting behind this one dead tree. Why do you focus on the one that's gone?" But the truth of it is that focusing on either one doesn't negate the other. They both exist at the same time in the same place and reconciling that has been a bit much lately.


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