Tuesday, October 19, 2010

This would be the abbreviated version...

I feel like I've been away for a while. I keep writing about stuff that's going on, but not posting them. It's been a shitty couple weeks... well, it's been a really shitty year. Today was not good. Crappy memories of crappy things and tomorrow is the graduation I would have gone to had I not gotten really sick this year. I was going to go, I guess for my friends, but now I really don't feel like it. I feel like a bit of selfish jerk, but I know it will go in one of two ways: I end up crying and feeling badly or I end up pretending it's all good and go cry on my own. I know in the long run it's not that big of a deal that I'm graduating later...

Really, it's not even about the graduating part. I'm just sick of being sick and not having people around that get what it's like. I've been better the last month or so after changing my diet a bit. I still don't feel very well whenever I eat. I think everyone that knew I was sick is just really happy I can get out of bed and do stuff again. I think they think it's over. Just a diet change and its done. All better... But, I still don't have a diagnosis of anything yet and I keep worrying that not eating gluten and dairy just helped, but are not the real culprits. Maybe that's a silly thing to think, but I've had so many tests where they were sure they knew what it was, only for stuff to come back negative... or other times where they were sure everything was fine, only to get frantic calls I needed other tests done ASAP, only to find out those scarry tests were actually false alarms. I don't think about a lot, but it's more of an underlying worry that they'll finally figure out what's going on and realize it's something aweful and something they could have fixed had they figured it out when I first started complaining about stuff.

I think that, all of that, is why I don't want to go my would-be grad... It is just a very strange feeling to watch people move on, while you lie stuck in a rather painful limbo.


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